Review: The Secret Life of the American Teenager

I've been trying to make a change in the television shows and films I review. I've become known for attacking television shows and certain films so I wanted to make an effort to find things to write positive reviews for. Then I watched The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

I'll try to keep this short and non-preachy.

Premise:
This show is about a young woman who has a baby at the age of 15, keeps it and dwells within a group of friends who are focused on sex, God, blind faith, gossip, death, pregnancy and sex. This is a teen / preteen drama with comedy mixed in to make things seem a little lighter. Keep in mind that this series is viewed as a positive, enriching form of entertainment by the religious right TV Networks.

Characters:
I won't profile the characters here. They're not worth the effort. The characters are shallow, single minded, emotionally parasitic simpletons. I'm not just talking about the 'ensemble' of teenagers, but the adults as well. If I were reading it in screenplay format I'd need to keep cast notes close at hand to continually remind myself which characters are adults and which are teens. There's little difference for the most part. There are few adults who display any social intelligence or seem to have evolved past high school. Another big problem with this show is that the characters don't have hobbies, many talents or traits that help them stand out. They're all cardboard cutout archetypes with no depth.

Writing:
I've seen school plays and short stories from the desks of nine year olds that manage to cram more craft into their work. The dialogue is flat. The lines focus on a topic and repeat the core word over and over again. Example:

Adult 1: “What's your real reason for moving out? Is it so you can have sex anytime you want?”
Ricky: “Well I would like some privacy for those times when I want to have sex. You know I have sex.”
Adult 1: “I know and I don't like it.”
Adult 2: “But we know it's a fact of life and we can't ignore it.”
Adult 1: “Why don't you give up having sex for a while and see how that goes. That is an option. A cheaper option that moving out of the house so you can have sex.”
Ricky: “It's not just to have sex, I swear! I want some time alone for myself too. It's healthy to be alone sometimes. I'm never alone! I love you both and I love that you take care of all the kids who ussually are all around here. But I have no time alone. Not here, not at school, not at work, not at Amy's (His baby mamma), it's never just me. Or just me and Amy and John! And it's just going to get worse. Her mom's having a baby.”

For clarity, Amy is the Teen's baby momma, John is his newborn son. The show resolves this plot line with his boss (his baby momma's boyfriend's dad), giving him a one room apartment above his place of work for “a few dollars towards utilities.” Oh, and I'm sure you guessed it, the focus word here is sex.

Entire conversations go on like this.
I understand the motivation behind this kind of writing. There are a lot of names for it, but let's call it 'keyword writing' for the purpose of this review. They drop keywords (like sex), to ensure that their audience always knows what the topic is and so those keywords keep hitting certain psychological triggers. They used to do this for material written for developmentally challenged children (in the 60's to the late 80's), but most educational writers don't anymore because it becomes a barrier to reading normal material. Developmental children need to be challenged a little so they can eventually read at a grade nine or higher level. This show is written at a grade four language level.

The major plotlines include; A girl whose father dies on the same night she loses her virginity. She believed that God punished her out of wedlock activities by killing her father for several episodes until a cardboard cutout of a Priest / Reverend told her everything was fine. Another major plotline focuses on a woman becoming pregnant after sleeping with her soon to be ex-husband, who lied about getting a vasectomy. She's engaged to another man. My third example involves the star of the show telling one adult after another that she and her newborn son is going to Italy for the summer with her boyfriend (not the father), and that no one can stop her. No one seems to realize that this girl needs a reality check, it happens so often that it's a running theme.

Directing:
The direction in this show is actually very good. They make good use of the sets, props and of subtle background motion to establish a scene fast and show all the performers in the appropriate light for the scene. I hope the directors and the rest of the background crew are just padding their resumes so they can move on to a much better show. I've seen work from most of the directors who have signed up to do episodes of this series and the performances on the other series are much, much better. That leads me to conclude that the script and lack of acting talent is exactly what's killing every single scene, not the directing. To quote Harrison Ford; “You can write this shit but you can't say it!”

Performers:
Most performances on this show are equal. They're beneath amateur. I've seen better puppet shows. I could do better wearing a hockey mask while being water boarded and I'm not known for my acting for good reason. A few of the better performers include: Ken Bauman, Jorge Pallo, Steve Schirripa, John Schneider (who left the show), and a couple of others. They don't get enough screen time to enrich the quality of the show. In fact they only get enough time to give you a momentary relief from the exasperatingly bad performances rendered by the other actors.

Soap Box Statement:
Okay, so I said I'd keep this review un-preachy. Not bloody possible. If the average North American teenager is as breathtakingly stupid as the characters in this show the western world is utterly, hopelessly lost. Doomed. North America will look and feel like one great big trailer park in twenty to thirty years thanks to television shows like this that make teenage pregnancy look like it's not a big deal, dresses up thirteen year olds like prostitutes, and takes the art of conversation to a low unlike I've ever seen.

Thankfully, I know that this show isn't a reflection of teenage life in America. There are a lot of teens who are very energetic, intelligent and adventurous. They enjoy texting, reading, interaction with people of all ages and socializing intelligently while engaging in a wide variety of hobbies.

The most frightening thing about this series is that there are teens and pre-teens whose parents are so absent or incompetent that they aspire to be like the teens in this show. They're out there, teenage pregnancy is on the rise, high school completion is in decline and yet more of this sort of television is being produced every year because the most desperate, unchallenged teens tune in like the little lost people they are.

In my opinion, there are no redeeming points to this television show. If archeologists find a copy in the rubble three thousand years from now and they use it as a record of our cultural behavior they'd conclude that we were a bunch of gossiping, single minded, selfish, rutting idiots who were doomed from the start.

RL


I hope they find Gilligan's Island instead. They might come to appreciate our sense of humor.

The Big Bang Theory: The most anticipated Sitcom of 2009?

Nerd-dom can be funny. Does this mean nerds all across the globe are being reintegrated into society? Are nerds dating supermodels? Are home decorating shows recommending sealed action figure collections? No, we still like to stick to our own. Supermodels and nerds are generally so different that it's like Gumby trying to talk to Darth Maul. And sadly, massive displays of packaged action figures are still only cool to about 2% of the population, maybe less.

That doesn't mean that nerds can't be funny. Toss a lovely, well socialized blonde into a group of four nerds and they can be uproariously hilarious. Thanks to brilliant writing, fantastic acting and comic timing this show has risen above all other situation comedy shows as far as I'm concerned. Each character comes with different quirks; Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk, Howard is a nerdy Jewish stereotype, Shedon is, well, Sheldon, Leonord is almost normal but awkward and Penny is well socialized and easy going.

The combined characters provide a great deal of hilarity while bringing up an encyclopedia's worth of nerd culture references which, I must admit, are right up my alley. The show has made it to mass popularity status, becoming the highest rated situation comedy last year. It's actually quite rare that my favourite shows reach that kind of mass appeal. I loved My Name Is Earl, Reaper as well as the American version of Eleventh Hour and they're all canceled.

CBS has ordered a full season of the Big Bang Theory thanks to its high ratings, so thankfully we can all look forward to another year of nerd comedy that appeals to a general audience. It's like they're building a bridge between nerds and everyone else!

The season premiere for the next season of The Big Bang Theory is on Monday, September 21.

RL

[So, which Big Bang Theory personality fits you the best? Leonard, Raj, Sheldon, Howard or Penny?]

Virtuality - Some of the worst science fiction I've ever seen.

Again, I'm throwing bricks in a glass house, but I just can't keep quiet.

It seems everyone is worshiping the ground Ronald D Moore and his cohorts walk on. Sadly, I'm not drinking the kool-aid.

Jonestown references aside, the "two hour movie" Virtuality is really a television pilot. Critics loved it, which surprised me. I couldn't have disliked it more.

The actors are fine, there are several who I've seen before and they're good performers. The performances are par for the most part with some impressive moments scattered throughout, so I have no complaints there. It's just too bad their considerable talents are wasted on this bit.

The technology the crew uses in this "feature" does not surpass what is available right now. I'm not talking about the unimaginative virtual reality trip the characters go on, but the control systems and gadgets that are used on screen. I can order better than what they have from Hong Kong today. I realize this isn't set in some super-future, but even ten years on we'll have better gadgetry than what we see them interacting with in Virtuality. It was unconvincing.

The pacing and flat direction of this snore fest reminded me distinctly of a film called Silent Running, a hit science fiction film that came out before Star Wars (1972). Silent Running is a film from an era of science fiction we generally do not miss because it was typically drawn out, under featured, under funded and bland. For its time Silent Running was a great film and should be considered a pre-George Lucas classic, but no one's rushing to remake it simply because the film's message is one we hear every day and the pacing isn't something that would keep audiences interested.

That brings me to my next point; the interiors. They were flat, bland, had padded panels everywhere which don't make sense since they'd hamper any efforts to make repairs or take quick measures in an emergency. They also looked like they were designed in the 70's, and I'm not talking the outrageously colourful Austin Powers 70's design, but the 'everything is clean, shiny and perfect' boring 70's design. The garden they show during this pilot is nothing short of pathetic. Even the most advanced genetically modified plant life on earth cannot provide any significant amount of food, medicine, oxygen or anything else in the quantity that they display. I've seen bigger planters in public buildings, frankly.

Now we go on to the general concept of the show. Virtuality is about a vessel that is seeking a new home for us earthlings because we've ruined our planet. It's a ten year voyage so they have an artificial intelligence and a virtual reality system to keep them entertained. The artificial intelligence and virtual reality system is damaged or corrupt causing injury and death. I have a few things to say about how they handled these concepts.

First of all, the flat, emotionless artificial intelligence makes HAL look like an Robin Williams by comparison. Secondly, their idea behind virtual reality is nothing new at all, in fact Star Trek has managed to explore most of the ideas that you'll see in this show (if it gets picked up as a regular series), already. Artificial intelligence is also a factor in Caprica, the upcoming Battlestar Galactical Prequel prime time soap opera from Ronald D Moore and it is handled exactly the same. It's like Ronald D Moore just realized that virtual reality is a solid Science Fiction concept and he's "pressing at the boundaries" of the idea. I have news for him; virtual reality has been around for a very, very long time as a concept as has been demonstrated quite well in films such as The Matrix. He does nothing new in Virtuality, in fact his version of virtual reality is pedestrian and boring for the most part.

The most interesting virtual reality scenario included is a direct rip off of several old anime concepts that isn't adequately explored probably because the writers knew they were ripping off countless anime classics based on the idea of a crime fighting rock star / secret agent rock star. Oh, and the music? Fun the first time it was on screen, but irritating when they revisited the band scene.

Virtuality was also predictable and at times even irritating. The whole thing is sort of packaged as a reality TV show like Big Brother. They do a half assed job of it, making it look a little more like a scripted television series rather than creating an atmosphere for the viewer that is similar enough to a reality TV show to draw them in, to make it more immersive. I didn't feel that I was rooting for one character or another, in fact they gave the most interesting characters the least screen time. This is a problem that plagued Star Trek Voyager and Deep Space Nine, two series that Ronald D Moore worked on extensively.

After seriously blundering with the whole last season of Battlestar Galactica it shouldn't surprise me that Ronald D Moore and others from that show have managed to thorougly cock up Virtuality right from the start. Why does this matter? I'll tell you. If this show performs poorly it makes all the network execs think twice about other science fiction shows. If it performs really well and continues to be this bland and terrible, then network execs will actually ask; "is it like Virtuality?" whenever someone else comes along with a good science fiction show pitch.

In all honesty I hope this show turns into something decent when it gets picked up as a regular series. Many space science fiction shows without a big franchise behind them fail, it would be nice to see this show turn around so well that I end up eating my words (that happened with the Sarah Conner Chronicles), but I don't see it happening. I'll watch the show if it gets picked up as a series in hopes that they somehow take this very thin concept and develop it into something worthwhile regardless of the terrible pilot and I suggest any science fiction fan does the same. If anything it's good to support science fiction TV, at least for a few episodes. I guess the biggest reason for my disappointment is because I know Ronald D Moore can do better, much better.

Well, that's my rant, I'm finished throwing stones in this glass house for a little while. Now back to work on Spinward Fringe Rogue Element. I'll try not to pull a Ronald D.

RL

[What did you think of Virtuality? Speak amongst yourselves in the comment section!]

Star Trek Nemesis: A Look Back

I miss Star Trek Generations, let's get that out of the way right off. When I watched Star Trek Nemesis for the first time years ago I came to the sad conclusion that it would be the last Star Trek film until they reinvented the franchise somehow.

When Enterprise fell on its face, I was sure we'd be without a new Trek series for at least 10 or 20 years. Right now there's a new Star Trek film by J.J. Abrams that will hopefully bring people back to Trek, and I'm looking forward to it.

Before we all go on to a new Trek, however, I thought it would be interesting to quickly review the last film we saw, Star Trek X: Nemesis, so here goes.

I enjoyed the more military feel to the ship's operations, the advancement in character story, the performances rendered by the main-stays and even some of the rivalry. One thing that had been missing from the franchise was a captain versus captain tale of any grand traditional scope, and I admit, this was a good try. Sadly, it didn't satisfy and was no where near comparable to the famous captain versus captain film from the Star Trek franchise: Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Kahn.

Another saving grace for this film was the special effects. I found they were perfectly convincing, did everything they had to. The dogfight in the end looked really good even though combat in space promises to be quite different and will most likely be fought with ships kilometers if not thousands of kilometers apart. It was still fun to watch, especially on the big screen.

Now that all the positives have been laid out, here comes what certainly contributed to this film being the last Generations Star Trek movie. First of all, the villain reminded a large portion of the US and Canadian audience of Doctor Evil. Yes, that over the top villain from the Austin Powers movies. The story was good, but highlighted a lot of problems with the Star Trek setting and there were some other massive issues. Here's a list:

Alien worlds are named after Earth mythology by the aliens that inhabit them (Romulus, Remus).
Dune buggies? Why?
A starfighter in a hallway? I remember going to get more Junior Mints when that started...
ANOTHER Data??? I thought he was a rare specimen, but it's starting to look like they just dump pieces of him all over the place like old McDonald's wrappers.
Where is the exploration in this film? If I were an explorer, I'd make sure to at least visit the Romulan gift shop! All Picard got this time out was some gaudy knife with someone else's blood on it.
Last but not least, the directing in this film was nothing beyond standard fare.

Now, don't get me wrong, this film does make a fair attempt at saying farewell to the fans, the whole cast and production staff knew this would be the last Generations film, but they could have at least gotten a director who had done action or science fiction before, and worked a little harder on some of the action sequences to make them more plausible. The dune buggy and starfighter sequences were a bad fit for the film and not "very Trekkie" as a good friend of mine put it years ago. The suspension of disbelief snapped for a lot of people.

I'm glad to have this DVD as a part of my collection, but because I'm a fan of the Generations era of Trek (and I'll admit, pretty much all other Trek except for the latter half of DS-9), not because this film is in any way a stand out from the pack like Star Trek First Contact or The Wrath of Kahn. If you haven't seen it, I suggest you rent it online or at your local vid store before the new Star Trek film hits theaters in May, it is worth seeing once at least if you're a Science Fiction or Star Trek fan, despite its many shortcomings.

As for the new film, well, J.J. Abrams has a lot to live up to. His new movie won't be compared to Star Trek Nemesis, but to the rest of the franchise as a whole. That's damned hard to face, considering there have been some real golden moments in all the Trek series'. I hope he manages to give us something that is entertaining, somewhat reflects Gene Roddenberry's vision and starts us on a new seven year mission. I miss seeing Trek on my television, and my ultimate hope is that this leads to a series and not to an eventual sequel like Star Trek: The Voyage Home. Don't get me started on that one...

RL

Status update on Spinward Fringe Frontline: 227 pages locked in, writing 4000+ words per day and loving it. When will I be finished? Hopefully before page 400. More on that later!

Lawrence Fishburne On CSI: CSI Revitalized?

CSI Vegas (the first CSI from which all others spun), has had its ups and downs both behind the scenes and in front of the camera.

To be honest it's one of my favorite shows along with CSI: New York. In addition to that, Grissom was one of my favorite characters on television. I enjoyed his character because of his struggles, triumphs, and the nemesis that followed his long term story.

I have to admit,though sadly, that it started to look like the Grissom character was starting to get a little old and I'm not speaking in terms of years. It's not because of the excellent actor behind that character, but the writing. I'm sure I wasn't alone in having the feeling that Grissom was being drawn off to better pastures. I approve the current destiny for that character, I like where he ended up. I won't give it away, you'll have to go watch a re-run on your own or buy this season's DVD set when it comes out.

Enter Fishburne, someone who is beloved to millions of science fiction fans of both mild mannered and fanatic variety. It is difficult not to recall his character, Morpheus, from the Matrix films. In fact I recall him fondly as I glance over to the Matrix Ultimate Edition Bluray discs, one of the only Bluray sets I ever plan on owning (I'm not a Bluray or Sony enthusiast, but hey, they were a gift).

Lawrence Fishburn plays Dr Raymond Langston, a professor who aids Grissom in an investigation in two episodes before starring in The Grave Shift, the first episode in the series with him in the lead of this ensemble cast. This episode isn't a reboot of the series, but re-introduces us to a job that has been depicted in a fairly jaded manner on CSI over the last couple years. Langston is a newbie that finds himself repulsed by many things that would repulse the audience if we were in his position. He learns things most of the viewing public wouldn't necessarily know, and walks us through re-introductions to many of the other mainstay characters while initiating the early steps of friendship, light rivalry and finding his place in the pecking order; somewhere in the middle.

I enjoyed the trip, seeing the good Doctor start to connect with characters all us CSI watchers are so familiar. In fact I think we're perhaps a little too familliar with some of these characters and take many of them for granted as a result. This is an episode about Langston's first day at work, and it's written so the audience experiences that with him. I enjoyed it.

As for Lawrence Fishburn's performance, he didn't disappoint me. Langston isn't Morpheus. He's a little stiff, much like his character from the Matrix but he shows more concern, reacts much more openly to the people around him and comes with that 'new guy smell' as I like to call it. He makes a few strides of his own but still has a lot to learn as evidenced by a few of his mistakes. All that comes through Fishburn's performance plainly.

I can't reveal anything about this episode plot wise, but it's an impressive episode in an already solid, well established series. I highly recommend that you catch it on rerun if you missed it or watch it online if it's available in your area.

RL

I like the new CSI and I'll be watching.

The Happening: Don't Let It Happen To You

The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable were great films. I was convinced that M. Night Shyamalan was a great writer and would provide his audience with several hours of good entertainment.

I was wrong.

Signs, The Village, Lady In The Water and his latest film, The Happening were nothing short of embarrassing. Some critics liked a few of these movies, and I'm lead to wonder who was paying them for a positive review.

I have no respect for M. Night Shyamalan. His directing style does not have any appeal to me, I found myself falling asleep while watching The Happening during the early afternoon. I like all of the talented actors in this film, and I'm very sorry they wasted their time.

It is difficult to review this film without spoiling any details because there really isn't much of anything to the plot and I can count the major events in the film on three fingers. This film reminded me of the B Movies I'd watch from the late 50's to early 70's. They didn't have much in the way of a location (a road, a farmhouse and a field), and no budget. They had to rely on shooting the reactions of the actors instead of creating a real antagonist. Sadly, M. Night had a big budget, but pretty much shot it in the method I just mentioned with the exception of some very affordable city scenes that he probably paid way too much for.

M. Night Shyamalan is trying to make a point with this film as well, and I get it. Sadly, it would have been much more effective for him to record a quick two minute statement with his camera phone and post it on YouTube like most ameteur film makers these days.

Now for the ultimate test: Could I do better with similar resources? Yes.

All the highlights are in the trailers, so go watch a high definition trailer for this film and rent something better.

RL

Starship Troopers 3 Marauder: 10 Reasons to Avoid This Film!

10 The sound track sounds like it was done with a late 70's synthesizer played by a 12 year old with no talent and only three fingers.

9 This series of films was originally based on a noteworthy science fiction novel. They have fallen so far from it that it's embarassing.

8 Characters are completely unbelievable. Their backgrounds, performances, dialogue and interactions are poorly delivered and badly written.

7 The technology in this film would either never work (due to the pesky laws of physics) or simply doesn't make sense. Some of it even looks like it's from the 90's.

6 The directing is so bad that I am absolutely certain I could have done better myself with a super 8 in a maximum security prison.

5 The special effects are much worse than the first film. I've seen better effects in Swede movies.

4 Production design lacks any creativity. Everything is borrowed or stolen from other films and television shows. I'm sure they raided the props room for the original Lost in Space.

3 The main villain bug is a great big version of a part of the female anatomy in such great detail that this film should have been rated XXX.

2 Casper Van Dean is the best actor in the film by far.

1 Let me spoil the ending: almost everyone finds religion and the highest paid actors survive.


Easily the worst movie I've seen in over a decade.

RL

Digg it!

Snow White and the Four Nerds.

Snow White and the Four Nerds is what I've started calling it, but it's more commonly known as The Big Bang Theory, a television show that is made to appeal to nerds and the people who love them. It's important to note that it's also meant for everyone else under 45.

The show is here on my blog because it's my favorite situation comedy. I've waited at least 13 episodes to write reviews on any television show, or at least tried to restrain myself until then, and for this show the time has come. Let's dive in.

The way the show is written more addresses pop culture tech and leisure than four guys who are wrapped up in science. They have Halo Nights, collect nerdy memorabelia, have highly skilled technical jobs, and are all jacked in to the latest nerd news. If those geeky qualifiers were all there was to this show then I wouldn't have to tune in, I'd just go call a friend or two for half an hour, since they're pretty much into all the same stuff. Thankfully there's a lot more to it.

The writers have managed to build basic backstories about at least two of the main characters being tenured geniuses in College and more detailed character histories that have a very long trail of social awkwarness. Most true nerds can relate to this, while the non-nerds who were more well adjusted during High School can have a harmless laugh.

The most important thing about the writing is the dialogue, and no situation comedy can survive without wit, unique characterization and charm. The actors on the show have great timing, and we already know a few of them from other successful situation comedies (Rosanne, 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter). The characters speak pretty much like any other educated person in North America with a smattering of techno babble and science fiction/fantasy analogies artfully thrown in, but there's not so much that it clogs our ears or to sends us to wikipedia to look up obscure events in science fiction entertainment. It's a difficult line to walk, how do you make this foursome sound like the geek genius who lives down the street without alienating your non-nerd audience? It's an art, and they pull it off very well. Maybe it's just me, but I have at least one laugh out loud moment per show. (Or LOL, even a ROFLMAO for those of you who are more accustomed to interweb sp33k).

Last but not least; we have Penny. She's the lovely non-nerd neighbor who lives just down the hall from our two main characters and through some writing magic she's become friends with the four nerds, even the one who can't speak to women unless he's been drinking likes her. With her in the mix we start seeing some delightful sit-com cliche's, and it's a lot of fun. One of the Nerds has a High Schoolish crush on her and isn't willing to tell her, she often exposes the four nerds to 'what the hip kids are doing these days' and joins in on the nerdy exploits in her own way unless she's the target of their attentions. How our four nerds react to her and her strange habits/fascinations/friends/ (which are actually things that 'normal' folks are into), is a key point of the show, it forces the characters to deal with someone who has a completely different perspective and is still willing to make an effort to just hang out with them because at the heart of it, these four nerds are just nice guys (except for Sheldon, the least well adjusted of the foursome).

This is a great formula for a situation comedy, one that could keep us laughing for several years. Sadly, I predict type casting and cast issues if it becomes too popular, which is a shame because everyone working on this show is fantastic. I hope they remain a happy television circle of friends and the cast remains just as pleased with what they're doing, because I might just start a letter campaign if they ever decided to cancel this half hour of nerdy laugh along bliss. Maybe I'll send dismembered action figures as a protest item...

RL

Sadly there are some people who watch this show and ask themselves; "why is this funny?" For these people I respond; "Sorry, I got nothin' for ya, head on back to camp." [Translation: Go watch another episode of Survivor N00b! LOL!]